Restaurant City

If another restaurant in this damned city closes I'm going to lose it. I'm averaging about one restaurant closing a week and maybe one restaurant opening a month, even though I'd say the number of openings and closings are about the same. When people say we focus on the negative, they're right. Because of overstretched resources (thank you penny pinchers downstairs), the quality of daily news I write blows.

Meanwhile over on Metro they have a wealth of people with nothing better to do than spend three weeks writing one story about bad drivers. And they are given all the time and resources they need to do stories on what I'm supposed to be covering if only they'd stop making me write about restaurant closings.

A friend of mine at work has been collecting bits of Emails I've sent him over the three+ years I've worked here and sent them to me today. I'm not sure how funny they are if you don't know these people or the crazy stuff people come in expecting us to write about it, but I've listed them below so you can get an idea of the Dilbert-like existence here. Before you begin, keep in mind that Elway is a dog. His name is real, everyone else's is made up.



This is the moment you've been waiting for...


1.
*Do you think Elway would be interested in switching jobs with me? It wouldn't be so bad to hang out in the kitchen all day with yummy treats and nothing to do but chew on my paw.


2.
*Hello, Mr. Lantile,

I am the coach for a girl's 10 years and under competitive lawn bowling team and I've noticed the lack of coverage that your paper gives such an exciting and well-attended sport! I would like to speak to you at your earliest convenience about the sport and invite you to attend one of our matches. The DeSoto Ballbusters will be facing the Pike County Pinpushes this weekend. We'd be glad to have you there!

Sincerely;

Margo H. Sunshine

3.
*You're awfully quiet today. Did Elway beat you at poker last night and take all your bling-bling?


4.
(tie) *Listen, I hope you weren't expecting a window seat at the new office because due to his meritorious service and selfless dedication to the paper, bart will be receiving all FOUR desks along that wall and you and I will have to actually work from one desk with two chairs and one computer in the distribution warehouse potion of the new building. There is no heat in there but the company has been gracious enough to install an electrical plug near our desk that we can use to plug in our computer AND a little electric space heater should we choose to provide ourselves with that.


5.
*Look. I see from our budget that we have nothing for tomorrow. Since kc is busy writing her opus on the magnolia school and bart is busy with dominos and jenny is busy doing...something...i'm going to need you to write a 30-inch story on the new donut shop opening in lakeville for the cover. thanks.


6.
*I have no copy for tomorrow's paper and am thinking about drawing a huge ass and scanning it in and running that on the front page of tomorrow's paper. Whadda think?


7.
*I think your problem is that you are not a team player. I mean look at Bart. He is always working himself to death. You could learn a few tips from him. And think the best way for you to do that is to start working with him on the city beat, in addition to the sports and hotel beats.

8.
*Oh right. I forgot I had reassigned you to hotels. Well perhaps you could go ahead and have some nice columns on hotels ready for the world series in case Madison's run begins before the games end. I'd especially like one on what the hotels are doing to appeal to clients who might want to watch the games during their stay. Thanks in advance for your hard work on this one, Tiger.


9.
*She'll (his girlfriend) probably just get you some crisco and a bag of dough and tell you to go to town. I think that's what relationships become after you've been dating for a while.